Things that piss me off #1

Paying money for weak coffee pisses me off, especially if I’m paying extra for the privilege. That’s the situation in many coffee places when you order a ‘tall’ (ie bigfuckoff) coffee. Something clicks in the Barista’s brain (Barista = coffee maker, in the same way that Sandwich Artist = kid who needs a better job) and there is a miscommunication. It occurs thusly:

Andrew: ‘One tall flat white, my good man’. Ah. I am about to receive coffee. Things are looking up! I have opted for the ‘tall’ size because I would like to ingest caffeine in an amount over and above that which is supplied in the standard serve.

Barista [surly]: ‘$4.20. …Please.’ Ha! This chump has just paid an extra $1.50 to upgrade to a tall coffee. I am dissatisfied with my station in life, and will take my frustrations out on the customer by making his drink using the same amount of coffee I’d put in the standard sized drink. His coffee will thus be much weaker, and he will have paid $1.50 for some hot water.

This ‘tall coffee dilemma’ as I’ve just dubbed it, is a serious social ill; a breakdown between the classes. One day, when I am a lawyer, this prole, this coffee man will turn up at my office with a scalded elbow after a minor altercation with the espresso machine. He will expect me to do my utmost to secure the workers compensation he feels is his due. Will I then engage in fearless advocacy on his behalf? Or will I instead ask my secretary to bring in a cup of weak coffee, and laugh in his face as he drinks it?

For now, I circumvent the issue by going straight to Hudsons and asking for a standard flat white with an extra shot of espresso. When I receive the well made beverage from the smiling attendant, I take it over to the bench reserved for such purposes and add one and three quarter teaspoons of sugar, as is my preference. Sometimes I sprinkle some vanilla flakes on top. That’s just the kind of guy I am.